I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
