i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
