In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
