We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
