Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
