Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
