How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
