I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
