the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
