dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
