I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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