3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
