so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
