..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
