I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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