So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
