Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
