I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
