dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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