just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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