life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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