theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
