she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
