i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
