1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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