dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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