I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
