Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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