I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
