She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
