I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
