Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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