i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
