i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
