she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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