Banned from zoo.
Again?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
