A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
