Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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