i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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