it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
