The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
