I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
