i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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