I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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