do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
