I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
