i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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