i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The best revenge is premature balding
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
