planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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