Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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